More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
