someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
