my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
