Screwed.edu
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
