I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
