Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
