There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
