my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
