I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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