Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
