shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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