We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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