Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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