I think I died a long time ago.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
