someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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