I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize