I am spending my child support on dildos
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
