My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
