just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
