So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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