I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Your topless pictures make me question reality
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
