a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
