My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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