Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
