i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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