I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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