I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize