Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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