I puked a lego.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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