One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
