You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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