I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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