So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
