i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize