Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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