I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
