there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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