We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize