Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
