'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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