Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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