There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
