you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
