he shaved USA in his pubs
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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