I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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