I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
