My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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