So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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