Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
