The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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