Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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