can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
