it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
