She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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