i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
