He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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