capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize