she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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