can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
